I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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