i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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