Apparently you make a good broom.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
