you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
