They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
two words: eviction party
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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