You're my little dorito
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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