the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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