i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
