Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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