I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
