Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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