my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Soap is not a condiment
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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