Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
