If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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