Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think a kid would responsible me up
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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