my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
