i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
