And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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