I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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