He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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