im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
