Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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