Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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