It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
