The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize