i need an iv and a liver transplant
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
