Plan B is the new Plan A
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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