WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
