He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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