i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
