possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
