Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
