I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
