I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
