when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
