he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize