I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
