He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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