my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
