I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
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How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
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When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.