oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
