Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
