I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
