Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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