So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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