i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
