literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
