He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
