I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Someone came in the potted fern
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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