I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
