Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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