I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize