Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
