I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
