Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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