I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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