He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
