The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
