can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
cat food counts as protein by the way
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
